TACO Calling PACO - 11

This conversation happened on March 20, 2026, after Trump blabbered about Pearl Harbor in the presence of Japan's Prime-Minister Sanae Takaichi and the Russian Internet rumored about Putin's absence in public for over 10 days.

"Hello, Vlad?"

"Yes, Donnie, what is it?" [hushed and rushed]

"I just wanted to check on you, are you ok?"

"Yeah, why?" [suspicious]

"I just read that you haven't been seen for over 10 days. Not in public events or meetings, for more than ten days. So I'm concerned."

"You are concerned??? Ha-ha, give me a break, Donnie. It's all your doing!"

"What?? What do you mean?"

"Your intel services had somehow infiltrated the Iranian internet and surveillance cameras and knew exactly where, when and how my friend Ayatollah Khamenei was! That's how you were able to kill him!"

"Oh, c'mon, Vlad, that's what the intel services do. That's their job."

"Yeah, can you guarantee that they are not doing that in Russia with me?"

"That I can, Vlad. They are not doing that with you."

"Yeah? How do you know?"

"Because I told them not to, Vlad, that's how. I told them not to watch you. I got into hot waters over it with my foreign policy hawks, very hot waters. But I told them they can't watch you."

"Oh really? Why?"

"Because we are friends, Vlad. Friends need to trust each other."

"Trust but verify, as we Russians say. Sounds much better in Russian because it rhymes: doveriay no proveriay. Trust but verify. And I can't trust you right now."

"But why, Vlad, why?"

"Well, let's see. First you captured Maduro, then you killed Khamenei, and now you are threatening Cuba. You are basically taking out my friends and partners one by one. Who's next? Me??"

"Well, Cuba had it long coming. Next is probably Greenland. I'd never do anything to you. Never, Vlad. And you know it."

"Well, I really don't. I don't know that I can really trust you or you are just afraid I'll release what I know."

"Oh, c'mon, Vlad, don't play that card with me. I already lost sleep over Jeffrey's files. I can't worry about what you can release now."

"See, it doesn't feel nice, does it, Donnie? The uncertainty, the fact that you can't trust your friends?"

"Oh, Vlad, I've been living with this feeling for most of my life. I never really had friends I could fully trust. Most of my life. But I trust you. You are my friend, aren't you?"

"Well, I don't know anymore, Donnie. I don't know if I can trust anyone. Even my closest circle!"

"Wait a minute, Vlad, is that why you've disappeared? They say they haven't seen you for over 10 days, in meetings or public events. You've just disappeared. Are you hiding, afraid that someone will get to you?"

"Someone? I'm afraid you or Ukrainians will get to me, Donnie!"

"Me??? Why would I want to kill you? You are my friend. I wouldn't trust those Ukrainians, though. I wouldn't trust Zelenskyy."

"And nevertheless, you are taking his help with destroying Iranian drones."

"But that's different, Vlad. I can't have Iranian drones destroy everything in the Middle East. Zelenskyy knows how to fight them, so we asked for his help. But it's totally different."

"Where do you think I got my drones, Shaheds?"

"I don't know, where?"

"Iran, Donnie, Iran! Well, we make them now in Russia but it's Iranian technology."

"You don't say! Really?"

"Oh, c'mon, Donnie, don't play dumb with me. Like you didn't know."

"I really didn't, Vlad, I promise."

"You promise??? What are you, five? Promise me this, Donnie: Stop. Your. War. On. Iran."

"Oh, c'mon, Vlad. Don't be like that. You know I want to stop it. I'm just too deep in it now."

"Why did you start it in the first place, by the way? Not like Iran was a threat to you."

"You are just like my enemies now, Vlad. [mocking] 'Why did you start the war? Why didn't you consult your allies?' Well, why didn't Japan consult with me about Pearl Harbor?"

"What? You were not even born when Pearl Harbor happened!"

"You know what I mean, Vlad. Whoever attacks unexpectedly, wins."

"I can't talk with you like this, Donnie. Bye."

"But wait, Vlad..." After hanging up, "and he just hung up on me. So weird. Is he really that paranoid?"

Author's Note: The Russian internet is buzzing with Putin's death rumors again as very strange things are happening in Russia, including Putin's loyalists going on lengthy anti-Putin rants and ending up in psychiatric facilities and WhatsApp being turned back on. If Putin is really dead, you've heard it here first.