The ugly sides of love.

I remember 10 years ago living with my parents and thinking, what am I going to do with my life? Will I be a doctor, an actor, or will I fail at life and become a bum? But at no given time did I believe I would become a single mother of two boys after coming out of two failed, toxic relationships.

I started my adult journey at eighteen years old. I decided to join the U.S Army right after graduation. I was so excited and full of life, not knowing the challenges ahead. My romantic life was simple. I had a boyfriend from home who stayed by my side while I completed training and graduated AIT school. It was the typical military relationship love story. He wrote me letters, and picked up every call I could make. He was my “everything.” We even got engaged after I graduated AIT. Unfortunately, as the saying goes, overtime you can outgrow someone...and I did. The “love of my life” became the dead weight to my dreams and goals. He was 2 years older than me, with no real goals, no car, and stayed home with his mom. Eventually I could not overlook that anymore. I was being surrounded by other successful people, who wanted better. After training was finally complete, I was sent to my first assignment in Korea. I was head strong and ready to work. Most importantly I wanted to make money, something my ex boyfriend did not want to do. Things turned left when I began working my actual job as a 92 Golf. I was a military cook working 8 sometimes 12 hour shifts. I had just gotten there and still needed adjustment to the 13 hour time difference from home . The long days of work were a nightmare and I would crash as soon as I got to my room. However, I still tried to make time to call my ex via video calling. One day I called him, and I found myself falling asleep while talking to him. He got upset at me, yelling “aye wake up! I wanna talk to you maann.” I tried to explain to him that I was exhausted from work and I couldn’t stand to stay up another minute, so I asked him to let me get some rest. Shockingly, he was not being understanding and denied my request. So I was forced to hang up the phone and get some sleep. We began to barely talk after that, and if we did it was an argument. He still was not working, and even picked up smoking weed, as he didn’t smoke when we met. It was as if he was turning into someone I never knew. I finally began to get my self adjusted to Korea and made friends. They took me out to party, and see the city. I was enjoying life, and I felt at peace. I remember being in the club one night and randomly realizing, I’m too young to be tied down trying to hold a man down. I work hard and he doesn’t. I’ll have to pay for everything because he has nothing. To make matters worse, he Wants nothing. So one night I finally decided to call him and break it off. I made the call in the bathroom while my roommate slept. I told him I wanted to end it and he began to cry. He cried, and then there was silence , followed by a woman starting to speak into the phone. She asked “aye what’s going on? What’s wrong with my brother?” At that moment I felt immediate shame, and embarrassment because I didn’t want his sister in our relationship troubles. No one ever wants or needs the family in their relationship business. I knew at that moment they would look at me as some horrible, heartbreaking woman. His older sister yelled at me a couple minutes later “What you do and why is he crying?!” She then accused me of cheating on him. The accusation blew my mind. I told her I did not cheat, I just did not want to be with him right now. His two sisters then threatened to beat me up when they see me. He picked back up the phone and told them to stop. We didn’t say anything else to one another and hung up the phone. I felt bad, I cried. Then I felt relief. It was the first adult heartbreak I endured...

Following my tour in Korea I had other romances, as I was young and dating, exploring life. I had one boyfriend while there, and we didn’t stay together following our return to the states. I moved on to my new duty station in Georgia. It was a more stressful environment, not much to site see, but more soldiers, and more work. It was a more of a community then a work station. There were more married couples and families then there were in Korea. It did not take me long to get adjusted this time. I had already known some people from Korea who came to Georgia before me and they helped me get adjusted. After being there a couple months, I started to try and date again. One weekend, my friend and I took to Savannah, Ga for the weekend to celebrate her 21st birthday. It was in the same weekend of the Orange Crush event that happened every year on the beach in April . We were set to go to different parties set up around the event and the actual event itself. We went to the beach and there were hundreds of people there celebrating and having a good time. People came in from other close cities to join the fun as well. It was a pretty big deal. After the event we went to the mall to find clothes for a later event happening that night. Another friend of mines came to join us as well. She was someone I had just met coming to Georgia. We were shopping and found ourselves being approached by a dark skin, medium height man. He asked us where the parties were happening. We lied and told him we did not know because we didn’t know him. He also implied his friends that trailed behind him were shy and wanted to talk to us as well. I chuckled at him because he apparently was the spokesperson for the group . We could definitely tell as well he was drunk, coming from the beach event like us. He tried to talk to one of my friends, and she gave him the boot. Then after about 20 to 30 minutes he gave up and tried to talk to me. I told him no as well. His friends finally patrolled him to leave us alone. I didn’t think anything of him, just a drunken guy wanting to spit game...

A day later, me and my friends headed back to our duty station. We were so happy our weekend went great. On the way back I receive a message on Instagram under the recent picture from the beach I posted noted “ how did I find your cute a*$?” I clicked on the commenters profile and realized immediately who it was...the dark skinned guy from the mall. However, I decided to look at his entire Instagram page and actually began to see he wasn’t half bad looking. So, I wrote him back. From that day forward, we planned hang outs, mostly from him because he really wanted time with me. I still wanted to date around, and I told him that. We both had an understanding. However, after months together and spending nights together we fell in love with one another. Unfortunately, he was assigned to go to Germany after the summer and I still had 2 years left in Ga. We both agreed to end it when he left, but our feelings overcame that decision. I can say I let love win. I stayed with him while he left and found myself engaged to him when he finally came home to visit in October of the same year. I was also in transition of getting out the military because of health reasons. So, he also helped me get back home while he was on leave...and we got married in November. Everything happened fast but we did not care. We loved each other. But things began to take a turn after Christmas. He became distant and cold, and we started arguing more. I found out from him also that he cheated on me before our engagement. I decided to stay with him after he told me, but nothing ever was the same after that. Over the next few months we worked on moving me to Germany since we now were married. I did not want to go because our feuds began to become worse. But he insisted. He told me it would help us and if we are married we have to be under the same roof. I listened to him. I arrived in April of 2016. I started my new chapter as a military stay at home wife. He worked and I was at home trying to get adjusted to being miles away from home again. This time I did not make friends of my own. They were his friends. I basically lived under his shadow. I began to become depressed, being at home all the time with no friends or family. We still argued a lot and things became worse. We began to become distant from one another. We even tried counselings. Then one day, I found out I was pregnant. I was scared, and he was not happy at all. But, we decided to keep the baby and try to make things work. We separated and took a break, I went back home stateside and finished my pregnancy there. I had a beautiful baby boy February 2017. His father came down a few days after he was born. Things were still not perfect, but we tried to make it work for the baby. He left back to Germany, and me and baby stayed behind until the baby was cleared for travel. I was excited and hopeful that our family would be okay. I prayed every day and night. We finally made it to our home during the summer of 2017. Unfortunately I was not prepared for the dark days ahead of me. For the first week we were adjusting to our new baby and home. However, he and I were still distant. I knew something was up. One morning I received a text saying he wanted a divorce, and he only brought me to Germany to be able to see his son. He tried to apologize for it and said he feels bad for being “selfish.” I was hurt and confused. I was all the way in Germany with no support system, a new baby and no work. I felt used. I cried and cried. I remember him coming home and me leaving out to find me some me time. I was so distraught that I needed some air. When I arrived back home, he tried to talk to me and I didn’t want to hear it. I was hurt and cried to him. He apologized countless times. We talked later, he said he’ll work on the marriage with me, but I found out a couple weeks later he cheated on me while I was pregnant from a friend of his. I was beyond hurt and could not imagine how and why he would do this and also not tell me. Our son was now 5 months. After finding out and confronting him, he moved himself out the house. I didn’t agree with him deciding to move because we had enough rooms and space in the house for him to sleep elsewhere and I needed help with our baby. We tried to make the visiting work. We tried counseling again, we tried date nights and being around other families. But every other weekend, something happened and we argued. I fell into a deep dark depression. I lost all hope. We separated again, and I went home for a temporary vacation. Things were going good at first. We talked every day on the phone and texted like the old days. But, one day me and my family got into a feud. I told him I was ready to come back home, my vacation seemed over extended at this point as I stayed with my mom while I was there. My mom also reached out to him to resolve things with me. He then text me stating all of this was too stressful and he wanted a divorce. I was hurt because I felt abandoned again. I needed him to have my back, especially with having our son. I didn’t feel welcomed any more with my mother and he didn’t want us coming back to Germany either. I had one suitcase of things for myself and one for my son. We had nothing. I couldn’t believe he was doing this this way. We stayed separated for months, finally divorcing in November 2018. I was finding work, a new card and a home for me and my son. I started the single mother chapter of my life.

After a couple months being divorced I was finally happy. I felt free, doing what I wanted to do. I pursued school, and got my business license as an esthetician. I found a new car and a small little apartment. Nothing was easy, but it was done. I started to have my own life, coming from under my ex husband’s shadow. I began to date again after a few months went by. I was in a relationship with another military man, however he was very sweet and genuine. He was honest and upfront. He also supported me being a single mother. I fell for him after being friends for 2 months. We made it official and went from there. I loved him, and cared for him. He was stationed in Hawaii so our relationship was mostly long distant. He visited home twice. Things began to seem too distant after awhile and I ended things. I couldn’t endure the long distant relationship and problems to come with dating another military man. He was becoming very busy and quick tempered. We were barely talking anymore and things were just turning left. I wanted to keep his friendship because of his support and love. However, his feelings for me could not withstand only friendship. Things disssolved completely and I moved on.

I continued working my 9-5 and taking care of my son full time. I had started to branch out and began promoting my own esthetics business. But, things were not taking off as I imagined, and to make things worse I lost my job. The 30 minute commute to and from work became too much and I had to resign. However, I was finding myself with a new friend who motivated me to find myself doing my own business instead. He had a business of his own doing graphics and I admired him. I met him while at the club with friends. He was genuine, and cool to hang around. He taught me new things about life and showed me beautiful places of travel. He was also a rapper. His lifestyle was very different from what I was used to. He had expensive taste in food, clothes, and placed to travel. We began to hang around each other a lot because I was not working and had more free time. We were good friends. Things began to get serious quickly between us and we went from friends to lovers. We had many many good days followed by bad days. But we were maintaining after months of being around each other. We were so attracted to one another that we could not stay from one another. However, the relationship showed many signs of toxicity. I was trying to adapt to his lifestyle. I was middle class almost poor living, while he was not. Our relationship was not becoming very important to him anymore. His music was taking priority and he began to spend more time investing in his work. There then became a lack of respect, and love. There was a lot of drama and long nights of arguing. But, we would come back to one another like nothing happened. I still always felt intimidated by his lifestyle, I could not afford the things he truly wanted. We would argue about money and him being very successful. He called me “poor minded” many times. I felt bad because I started over from my marriage and I started from scratch. I knew I was not as financially stable as him, but I was trying. I was working hard to find a job and I finally found employment again after the summer. I started to become busy again myself, but it didn’t stop our time together. Things were still rocky but we did not want to let the relationship go. Things took a huge turn when one day I noticed I had been sleeping more heavily during the day, with a lack of appetite. I decided to take a pregnancy test, and it came back positive. I was ashamed. This man hadn’t met my family yet because I wanted to take my time to make sure he was the one, and we were not married. I blamed myself of course for not being careful. I told him and he immediately told me to have an abortion. I agreed at first because I was not ready. However, as weeks went by I started to change my mind. I could not imagine myself living life normal again after having an abortion. I told him I was going to have it and he was upset. He already had other children and did not want another one. I understood but I personally could not fathom having an abortion. A couple days later he changed his mind. He told me he wanted the baby, and he wanted us to work our all of our issues and move in together. I finally let him meet the family, but hid the pregnancy for 3 months. We were forced to tell them when I was admitted into the hospital for dehydration. I was 5 months pregnant at the time. They were shocked but showed support. Me and my boyfriend were still having issues, and my depression began to hit again. He was becoming more absent, because of work and transportation issues. He payed more attention to his business and his music. I was trying to be understanding because I know he wants to support his family and I know he’s an artist. It was getting hard communicating though, because of his unavailability and my pregnant hormones. He would distant himself from me and I would feel alone. The toxicity started to become normal. We were getting better but any time we would argue, our arguments would always go left. So, it as if we were going 10 steps backwards. They were happening every weekend. Our personalities always clashed in the end and we would go days without speaking to one another. During my depression he lacked understanding and did not want to be there for me. I felt crushed. I felt as if the cycle I tried so hard to break was happening all over again. Abandonment. After my divorce I had to work hard to build myself again. I tried to be careful dating as well. This time he made himself seem bigger than me. I loved him but began to fall out of love with his personality. It was not genuine anymore, and during my depression he showed no sympathy for me. So, after months of an on and off relationship we finally ended it. Things for the future are unsure currently as we don’t speak. I pray that he is there for the baby and that we can co- parent.

As I remember now back on that day 10 years ago not knowing what I wanted to do, I realized I missed out on the lessons of love and other things. I was taught to be successful, to make money and be independent. However, with every failure I believe comes a blessing. I have two beautiful boys, whom I can now teach to be all those things I learned along with lessons of love. Now, I can start the next new chapter...being a loving mother of two.