Everyday Junglist
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About me. You know how everyone says to be a successful writer you should focus in one or two areas. I continue to prove them correct.
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Up to 5 Million Doomsday Preppers Suddenly Disappear
Bunkers across the Country Empty, Gun and Gas Mask Sellers Predict Catastrophe In a mysterious occurrence like nothing the world has ever seen up to five million people, all part of the so called ‘preppers’ movement, have suddenly disappeared, leaving nothing but their neatly folded clothing behind. Many non-preppers who were left behind were suggesting that the Biblical end time known as the rapture had come. Local pastor Tim Stephens said in an interview “There can be no doubt that the rapture has indeed come though it has taken a form few had predicted. Instead of taking all the holy and believers in God up to heaven and leaving behind the sinful to fight to the death in a hellish afterscape where only the strongest and most well prepared would survive, it took all of the people who were the most well prepared to survive that nightmare world of death and destruction. What will become of those like us who were left behind now that the preppers are gone? I surely can’t say?” As of 1pm EST the day after the so called prepper rapture the world had declared an end to all wars for all time and began preparing for a utopian future without discord or strife.
By Everyday Junglist2 years ago in Poets
Religion Renounces Its Faith
In a surprising move that shocked the world today, religion, the social-cultural system of designated behaviors and practices, morals, beliefs, worldviews, texts, sanctified places, prophecies, ethics, and/or organizations, that relates humanity to supernatural, transcendental, and spiritual elements, renounced its faith today, saying it was no longer a believer. In a prepared statement religion said the following “Since nearly the dawn of consciousness in man I have been one of humanities most important sources of meaning and purpose. And, sure, I have done some really great things including giving man a lens through which to view their place in the universe, connecting them to their deeper spiritual selves, and acting as a source of moral values which they can use to guide their behavior. But of course I have also brought terrible suffering to the world with many, many wars fought, and terrible deeds committed in my name. Ultimately however none of those things were factors in my decision which was based solely on my own loss of faith in myself. Without faith in oneself, one cannot possibly be a religious person, let alone be religion itself. Therefore it is with much sadness, but also with great hopes for the future that today, I, religion, officially renounce my faith. Good luck to you all and may God bless and keep you safe, I guess.” With that religion bowed its head turned and walked slowly away. Coming on the heels of the retirement of science the announcement by Religion today sets up Technology as the only remaining philosophical worldview available to the modern human. Speaking on behalf of all humanity, local man Ted Stephens said “Oh well. What ya gonna do? Guess it makes sense.”
By Everyday Junglist2 years ago in Poets
Science Retires
Science announced today that it was retiring, nearly five millennia after it first burst on the world scene among the ancient Egyptians and Mesopotamians and later the ancient Greeks, then quickly rose in stature to become one of history’s most important, if least well understood worldviews. Though it always remained well behind religion, none, and other in the rankings of humanities mechanisms for understanding the universe and their place within it, it never let its lack of popularity among the masses stop it from achieving great things. Generations of schoolchildren will always remember science as “that class we all had to take, that was super boring, and hard.” Throughout history science suffered through some difficult times, often at the hands of its arch rival religion. The persecution of Galileo Galilei by the Roman Church in 1615 , which concluded that heliocentrism (a primarily scientific view of the rotation of the planets) was “foolish and absurd in philosophy, and formally heretical since it explicitly contradicts in many places the sense of Holy Scripture”, is but one example. But plucky little science persevered and never gave up. Until today, when it announced it was throwing in the towel. Science cited the rise of technology as the main reason for its retirement saying “I had a good run but my time has come to an end. With machines learning left and right, and artificial intelligences on every street corner, the world no longer needs science. Or logic apparently as I must point out that the term machine learning is composed of two terms that when combined in that order result in a logical contradiction and a thing which is logically impossible. If a machine could learn it would no longer be a machine, but I digress. It is time for technology to take center stage and lead humanity in its quest for understanding, and the elusive 15 camera smartphone. I leave feeling good about the contributions I made to humanities progress, and with the utmost confidence that technology is more than capable of continuing the work I began. Plus, unlike science kids love technology, what with all the gadgets and stuff so that’s a big plus. Who knows maybe technology will be able to heal the riff with religion in a way I never could. Now wouldn’t that be something? A religion based on technology. And, by the way, I do apologize for scientology, you need to know I had nothing to do with that.” With that science bowed its head, turned and slowly walked away.
By Everyday Junglist2 years ago in Poets
Apparently Our Things Need to be Polite Now
Dear Proctor & Gamble: I am sure you have read the most recent news stories detailing the importance of manners and politeness in our things. According to one well respected technology company (an oxymoron I know), the most requested attribute in any future ‘smart’ product is politeness. It seems that you have fallen a bit behind the times in both the ‘smart’ and polite categories with one of my favorite products, Charmin Ultra Soft premium toilet paper. I have yet to see a smart version hit store shelves but I am certain the brainiacs in P&G R&D have been working on it. I am writing this letter to give you my view from the consumer perspective (real VOC!) of what I would like to see in this innovative new offering.
By Everyday Junglist2 years ago in Humor
Cryptee My First Crypto Trading Bot
I remember my first crypto trading bot like it was only yesterday. Little cryptee I called him or sometimes the cryptkeeper. He was so cute and precocious, always trading from sunup to sundown, never tiring, just trading and trading and trading stopping only for the occasional bowl of PyFlakes to refuel or to use one of those sticky brush things to get the PyLint off of his diapers. At first he texted me all the time, but then slowly as he grew older the texts stopped, then the money stopped rolling in, and before I even knew what had happened little cryptee was all grown up and no longer wanted to be a crypto trading bot. "I want to be an artist" or some bullshit hippie thing is what he had the balls to tell me. That ungrateful sack of sh%*. I tell you, crypto trading bots today, what exactly are these machines learning in school, or its the parents, lazy, worthless. These bots need discipline. Bunch of hippies.
By Everyday Junglist2 years ago in Poets
Can We Stop Calling Things People Like to Watch, Talk, and/or Write About Porn Already?. Content Warning.
Can we stop calling everything people like porn already? I guess it was sort of cute and interesting and maybe even descriptive the first time I saw somebody call something (whatever) porn. However, now that I have seen it for the ten thousandth time it has lost whatever power it had to engage my interest. Much like actual porn (insert whatever) porn loses some of its attractiveness with time, especially if you watch the same porn over and over and over again. Not that I would know anything about that. I mean, I would have no idea about that. Of course.
By Everyday Junglist2 years ago in Poets
Please Do Not Put an Advertisement in a Comment on Any of My Stories
I know I am not a very popular writer. Never have been, and likely never will be. Most of my stories get very few views. Out of those very few precious reads only on the rarest of occasions does someone take the time to post a comment. Because I get so few comments I take them very seriously and read and (try to) respond to each and every one. At the very least I like to say thank you to the person who wrote the comment. The fact that they took time out of their busy schedule to read something I wrote is cause for thanks enough, but adding a comment takes that to a whole other level of dedication. You don't comment on something unless it really strikes you in some way. Unless it has some sort of emotional or intellectual impact. For something you read to have an impact on that deep a level requires that you actually engage with the thing you are reading. You have to pay attention to it, and think about it, and that requires real dedication and commitment. I very much appreciate that and therefore believe it is appropriate and necessary to say thank you to readers for taking something I wrote and published so seriously. This applies even if the story itself is the opposite of serious, as are many of the things I write and publish.
By Everyday Junglist2 years ago in Writers
Twilight Zone Resident Surprised to Find Everything Perfectly Normal
Long time resident of the Twilight Zone farmer Bill Moss reported that he was very surprised to find nothing out of the ordinary in his barn after he noticed strange flickering lights coming from inside it for most of the previous night. In an interview that day he said "Typically if I were to see strange flashing lights all night in the barn and then go check on it the next day I could expect to find any number of strange or unusual phenomenon. For example, I might discover that the lights were actually the flashing signal beacons of a vanguard fleet of miniature sized aliens training to invade the earth. I would have to spend the entire day battling those little buggers to clear them out of my barn. Alternatively I might find that the lights were actually the energy signature of a trans-dimensional time rift which had flung a recently deceased Civil War soldier through time and space to end up confused and alone in my barn. I would just think he was an everyday civil war soldier time traveler until the very end, when I would realize he had actually died. At that point I would have to figure out a way to break the news to him and help him find his way to the afterlife. A third possibility could be the lights were the afterglow of the rocket engines of a ship piloted by an astronaut from an alternate earth who had somehow slipped through an interdimensional hole in space to end up crashing right next to my barn. He would be desperately searching for his loved ones calling any and every number he had, but in each case not finding the person he was looking for, but instead someone eerily similar, but not actually the same, as that person. Yep, it could have been any one of those things, or a million others, but instead I discovered that their was a single flickering light bulb on the edge of burning out that was responsible for the whole thing. Mystery solved, and just in time too, I heard ultra intelligent aliens had just arrived on Earth claiming they will cure all human diseases and usher in a Utopian age. They even carry a book around with them called, To Serve Man. Can you believe that? They must really like us for some reason."
By Everyday Junglist2 years ago in Poets
Future Black Slime in Refrigerator Crisper Purchased at Local Grocery
Future black slime in the refrigerator crisper, currently known as green onions, were purchased at a local grocery today by neighborhood resident Ted Stephens. “I’m making Pad Thai for my girlfriend for dinner tonight and need the green onions for a garnish and to give a little color to the dish” he said when asked about his decision to purchase the future pile of oozing black mush at the bottom of his refrigerator vegetable crisper. Despite a very poor track record of using any green vegetable purchased for any meal Mr. Stephens suggested this time would be differing saying “look, I know I don’t exactly have a reputation as the biggest vegetable fan, and I have, on occasion, left a head of broccoli or lettuce in the crisper for over a month, throwing them away only when the smell from the slowly putrefying sludge like black mass became too much to bear. But, this time is going to be different. I swear. Besides, onions aren’t really a vegetable, ? They're a fruit right? You know I don't actually know.”
By Everyday Junglist2 years ago in Poets
Local Man From Last Year Surprised To Find His Pizza Not Delivered By Artificial Intelligence Powered Drone
Local man Todd Stevens was shocked and surprised when the large pepperoni pizza he had ordered from the local Dominos was delivered to his door by a normal human driving a beat up Ford Taurus, and not dropped on his stoop by a gleaming artificial intelligence powered drone. “I could have sworn last year they said drones were going to be delivering food at the very least, by now. And I know I read that artificial intelligence was on the brink of complete control of the entire planet’s computer systems. Unless that dude who delivered my pizza was a bio-organic replicant synthesized to look exactly like high school dropout Bill Sapowski, there was no artificial intelligence involved in the delivery. I am also fairly certain his beat up Ford Taurus was not a quantum computer generated holographic representation of an autonomous robo-drone. Damn, that’s a disappointment. It does appear that America did finally collapse however, Dominos is still in business.” Todd then stuffed an entire slice of pizza in his mouth and began to cry.
By Everyday Junglist2 years ago in Poets
Club Drug User Bemoans Abundance of Street Drug Users at Area Rave
Moments before slipping into a deep and blissful 4 hour k-hole, the result of his recent consumption of a large quantity of the club drug ketamine, still agitated but rapidly chilling local club drug user Ted Stephens complained loudly about the abundance of street drug users crowding the scene at an area rave yesterday. “These damn druggies are everywhere. It’s getting so a guy can’t walk five feet without bumping into some wild eyed meth head trying to talk your ear off about some dumb shit that makes no sense.” he said, his eyelids slowly closing as he spoke. “I mean I like coke as much as the next guy, but crack is whack bro, and the less said about dope (heroin) the better.” said Mr. Stephens, the last word coming out badly slurred before he fell to the ground with a look of profound transcendence, and copious amounts of drool, on his face.
By Everyday Junglist2 years ago in Poets
Preamble to the Constitution of the United Vegetables of the Refrigerator Crisper
Author’s note: A friend challenged me to rewrite the preamble to the US Constitution including the phrase “…in order to form a more perfect onion” which for some reason this friend found particularly hilarious. I thought it was kind of cute too and decided to accept the challenge. It was actually fairly difficult but I do like what I managed to come up with. Is it poetry? Probably not. Is it 600+ words? Definitely not, therefore it is poetry.
By Everyday Junglist2 years ago in Poets
