Are You in the Right Relationship?

I've been through the wringer. Two divorces. Abusive childhood, so I came with a lot of baggage. Admittedly, I was a bit of a ho before I finally settled down with the man of my dreams. We've been married for eleven of the fifteen years we've been together and he still makes my tummy flip when he enters a room.

And though finding the Ms./Mr. Right was a challenge, I've picked up a tool you might be able to use that could help make the path a little clearer for yourself.

So if you're wondering if the person you're with now is "the one" OR if you'd like to spot your potential mate the next time you begin a relationship, keep reading.

I've shared this insight with dozens of couples and I hope you find it just as enlightening as they did.

The Pros & Cons List - Not Quite What You Think

You've probably already heard someone say, "Make a list of pros and cons in your relationship." However, most people tell you to weigh the pros and see if those are worth making "the" commitment. I'm going to put an impactful twist to this list. But let's be clear about how to do this list for this exercise...

1. On a piece of paper, draw a line down the center.
2. On the left write PROS at the top. And on the right, write CONS
3. In the PROS column, list everything you LOVE about that person.
4. In the CONS column, list everything you DISLIKE about that person. Hate's a strong word, so we'll keep it mild.
5. IMPORTANT: DO NOT show this list to your significant other. It could cause them to be self-conscious about some of things you don't like and cause more problems than it's worth. And if you're doing this exercise as a couple, DO NOT SHOW THIS LIST TO EACH OTHER. Trust me. Burn this list when you're done. This is more for YOU than it is for them.

The Pros List

As mentioned above, weigh the pros and cons and if the pros outweigh the cons, you should probably look at your relationship a bit closer. Having one outweigh the other can be a sign of a problem, so I don't want to discount the pros. These are indeed important.

They tell you why you fell in love with the person you're with, or why you're considering them as a life mate. From the perspective of worth, you should ask yourself if these qualities are really worth your time.

Red Flag: I have seen people on occasion say things like, "Huh. The person I'm with is nice and I enjoy spending time with them, but I really had a hard time coming up with things to put in the PROS column." Or "Wow! I've got a LOT more CONS than PROS." An imbalance can be a red flag, but not always, and it might be a red flag about you or them...or both.

This imbalance might give you some insight about yourself or the person you're with. Consider these questions:

• Are you a critical person and find more fault than positive qualities in the people around you? Be honest.
• Are you sure you're with this person because of mutual attraction? Or do you think they like/love you more than you like/love them? Or vice versa?
• Is your relationship one of convenience? Do you feel they're the only one around who likes/loves you? This last point is more about how much (or little) you love yourself. If you're a person who cannot be alone, this is a red-flag for a low self-esteem and seeking self-worth validation in a relationship. These relationships almost always fail. But that's another post.

These red flags are points to consider, and try to be honest with yourself. Remember...you're burning this list. This is just for YOU.

The Cons List

This is where we get down to the nitty gritty twist. And you HAVE to be really honest with yourself about this question:

Examine that CONS list, and if the person you're with never, ever, EVER changed any of those items/qualities on that list, could you live with that for the rest of your life?

Take a moment now and look at that list. Be honest!

If you answer NO to any item/quality on that CONS list, you should seriously reconsider whether or not you want to spend the rest of your life with that person.

Why? Because you cannot change the person you're going to marry. Not only is it unrealistic - people are who they are - but it's also unfair.

Who Were They When You Met Them?

I'll give you a vivid example:

I have a very dear friend, who I'll call Jane. Jane called me up for some relationship advice.

"Arial. John is trying to get me to quit smoking AND he says I drink too much AND he says I get too emotional." I heard the tinkling of her gin and tonic in the background.

John spouted rather heatedly, "It's killing you! Of course I want you to quite smoking and drinking! Arial would agree with me."

I told her to put John on the phone. "Hey, listen, Bro. I'm going to ask you a couple of questions, okay?"

"Sure."

"Was Jane drinking when you met her?"

"Yes, she was."

"Was Jane smoking when you met her?"

"Yes."

"And was Jane a very emotional person when you two were dating?"

"Absolutely."

"Well, there's not much you can do about the emotional part. That's just who she is, so you're going to have to live with that. But here's the kicker. You knew Jane did all these things when you two were dating, and yet if these were make-it-or-break-it qualities for a wife, why did you marry her?"

Long pause. "But they're really bad for her, Arial."

"I totally agree with you, my friend. And I wish Jane would quit smoking and drinking, too. But that is for Jane to decide. Not you. You can't expect Jane to change. That's not fair. You have to decide if you're willing to live with those qualities for the rest of your life. Because that's what marriage is - marrying the person for better or for worse. Faults and all."

Unfortunately, they ended up divorcing a few months later. There were other things going on in the relationship that made them a bad match to begin with, so this was just the straw that broke the camel's back.

But if Jane and John had created their own pros and cons list and asked that question about the cons, they probably would not have gotten married.

Final Tips

Of course, there are many facets to a relationship and nobody's perfect. You have to decide, like John, whether or not you can live with those faults.

Another friend - I'll call him Steve - came to me for similar advice and had put down on his cons list that he hated how picky his girlfriend was about the simplest of things. I asked him if he could live with that.

That's when he weighed the pros and the cons. "You know what? I cannot imagine my life without her. Yeah, I suppose I could live with this. I'll just have to let go of a lot of things."

They got married and they're approaching ten years of marriage with two kids under their belt (ha...pun intended). They have their moments, like any relationship, but he knew what to expect...and expectations can make a huge difference when you apply them to a relationship.

This pros and cons exercise can help you go into a long-term commitment with open eyes and help you pick your battles. How important is it that your significant other never puts down the toilet seat, always leaves the toothpaste cap off, smokes, drinks, or likes to party with his/her friends every weekend without you?

They may outgrow some of those things. Bonus, if they do. But they may not, so don't expect them to.

Some things you can live with. Some things you can't.

And it doesn't make your partner a bad person. They're just not the right person for you.